True to my mission to make this world a more enjoyable place, I am today going to tell you about the pleasures of watching Hindi TV serials.

I know so many things that happen in these serials may appear dumb to the untrained eye but with some help and guidance from me, you will see that you will appreciate them better. So here is a list of things you always wanted to know about Hindi serials but were afraid to ask.

The first thing you will notice in Hindi TV serials is that women always sleep and wake up with full makeup, eye shadow, blush and lipstick. They further wear classy sarees and jewels 24 hours a day and their hair never gets spoiled no matter how bad the weather. At some point, the rich family will lose all their money because of a deal gone wrong and will have to move to a smaller house but the ladies will still be wearing classy sarees, makeup and jewellery, even when they are supposed to be sweeping the floor and cleaning the house. But most of their life, the people live in a huge mansion because in Hindi serials the businessmen are able to clinch multi-million business deals just by doing a Powerpoint presentation they worked on while lying on their bed the night before. These houses have many rooms but no locks on any of their doors just so some conniving aunty can conveniently listen to their conversation.

At least once every month, there is either a wedding, a birthday or a religious celebration being held in the house. Even something as minor as a child passing his exam warrants a celebration with a lavish party where 200 or more people are invited including the people with whom the family is not on good terms. In fact, every child comes out first not only in his class but in the whole college even though they are never seen studying because they spend their time in family disputes and bursting crackers for Diwali. In fact everybody in the family always comes out first in every competition they take part in, be it a singing competition, a dancing competition or a cooking competition.

In these series, there's always one same doctor everybody goes to, one police inspector, one same lawyer and one same temple where everyone meets. But God is more sympathetic towards the heroine's prayers and will make sure these are always granted, while completely disregarding the prayers of the other family members, to the point that you often wonder why they bother attend these lavish religious ceremonies at all. She is usually the daughter-in-law who is a good soul, she is never seen doing harm to anybody no matter how meanly she is treated by her scheming mother-in-law, her evil stepsister, and the evil woman who has eyes on her husband. It is easy to recognize this bad woman because the more evil a woman is, the more makeup she puts on and the hotter she dresses.

In every family there is some old lady that actually lives old enough to see the 6th or 7th generation in the family. Every family also has one or two great grandmothers, great grandfathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, the mother, the father, a handful of uncles and aunts, a full team of cousins and an array of servants.

Whenever the hero and the heroine come close together and look at each other in the eyes, the heroine always trips and falls into the hero’s arms. Actually every time the heroine falls, the hero is there to conveniently catch her even though you can swear you saw him in a business meeting out of town in the previous scene.

If someone gets angry and decides to leave home on Monday with his luggage and all, he will still not have reached the exit door by Friday where he will be stopped by someone arriving just at that moment. That's because the camera will have to focus and zoom on every character’s face to show their reaction to every dramatic scene including when someone walks out of the house, someone walks into the house, someone is slapped, the phone rings, a glass of milk falls from someone's hands or someone shouts “STOP THIS WEDDING!”

Every character, even the small 6 year old child, has the schizophrenic tendency of talking to themselves, conveniently revealing twists about the plot that you may have missed. At some point someone is going to lose his memory. And find it back some episodes later because these things are never permanent. When characters become older, they have a strand of clearly visible grey hair on their head but never take on any weight or have any new wrinkle on those perfectly made up face. The duration of a pregnancy in Hindi serials can be anything from two weeks to two years, depending on the requirements of the plot.

You can be sure something bad is going to happen to one of the actors when a lamp suddenly goes out or a mirror breaks or there is a loud thunderstorm outside causing the window to make an incessant tapping sound. And finally, when someone dies, never assume that the person is gone for good, not even if you see them falling from a cliff or being caught in a building on fire or on a plane that crashes, in a car that explodes, or you see their body being riddled with bullets. Chances are they will still come back later, having undergone a plastic surgery and living on a secret identity for months and years, away from their loved ones. Only for you to find out some time later that the one who came back was actually an impostor and the real person is now back to reveal the whole truth. The explanation for this is that the actor playing the protagonist asked for a raise in his fee, the producers fired him and hired a different actor to play the role, and later the actor and the producer both came to better feelings and readjusted their salary expectations and the previous actor is back into the script.

That's all, I hope you enjoyed reading this exposé, I need to stop here because I have to go, my favourite serial is about to begin. On tonight's episode, someone sees somebody looking at something and someone sees the someone looking and he talks to somebody else and then this someone else looks at the first someone who was looking at something. As you see, there will be some unbelievable developments tonight.

Nanda Pavaday


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